Couples + cash = crisis central?

You’re in sync when it comes to your social life, cleaning and visiting parents, but how do you manage money? What if he’s investing in the latest gizmos, while you have two ISAs and a pension?

If you think it doesn’t matter, think again. Money is cited as one of the most common reasons for break-up. Financial dilemmas can highlight a range of relationship problems.

 

To love, honour… and share?
The household budget and joint accounts can be testing, from how much to contribute and dividing it fairly to what the money is spent on. How do you ensure neither party feels it’s unfair?

‘I was earning £20k and my boyfriend £13k; so monthly contributions were split 60 and 40 per cent, which leaves a fairer amount of disposable income. The joint account was used for bills and food shopping. If you’re living together, it’s a partnership that should not disadvantage one person.’
mistressk

Not everyone is able to ‘place’ money within a relationship. As relationship expert Paula Hall acknowledges, ‘Money is also about our ability to share, compromise, negotiate and commit to another person. If one person behaves differently, it can cause huge problems. Ensure conversations are not just about money, but about the feelings they evoke. If not having a joint account makes you think that your partner is withholding or not committing, talk about those issues – not bank accounts.’

Credit wars
Men often feel money is their domain but what do you do when things get out of hand? As one woman discovered, it’s not always easy.

‘He hadn’t kept up with the second card and debt collectors were ringing. So he panicked and paid off the whole balance with the other card – taking us over our credit limit. He says he didn’t want to worry me, that it’s a man’s job and he feels bad asking me to handle it. I understand, but he isn’t any good with money and I am. I’m upset he kept this from me.’
forestchild22

There’s little point in burying your head in the sand. But, as Paula says, talking about money is tricky. ‘Some people have no problem – it depends on how it was handled in your family. Ask how your partner feels talking about money. Is it a touchy subject; something they were brought up to believe was rude or inappropriate? You need to agree that the conversation is an important one before you embark on it – so if it’s awkward, you share the same goal.’

 

Debt damage
Debt might damage your credit rating – but it can also damage your relationship. How can you prevent it from ruining your daily life?

‘We’re working, but every penny is going towards debts, household costs and mortgage. We’ve been through a spate of household disasters and are at a point where we’re barely talking to each other because every conversation revolves around trying to pay another bill.’
cassiopeia

For others, the problem is the opposite – yet the stress remains the same.

‘We are living off our overdraft every month. I find it so depressing, we’re not getting on at all. I thought it was because I didn’t love him anymore but it could be because of money. I keep things bottled up quite a lot; he says it’s only money and doesn’t stress like me.’
hayley2005

You might not want to, but it’s vital to start a dialogue. ‘Money is about value in every sense of the word’ says Paula. ‘How we spend it reflects our values in life. Is it for spending, saving or helping the world? Do we spend on luxuries or future investments? How much you spend on friends, family and partner also reflects how much you value your relationships. It can be an emotional minefield!’

Money talks… but can you?
Not talking can make things worse, but when can you talk money as a couple? Before it gets too late, for starters…

‘Debt ruined my 16-year marriage because my husband couldn’t face his £80k debts and failed business. His answer was an affair. Put your marriage first and talk to each other – if your husband won’t talk, then take action for your part in the debts anyway.’
twokidsplus1

‘We’ve been together for six months, but we have different ideas about money. I keep on top of bills and never get into debt. My boyfriend ran up huge debts with his ex-wife – they’ve come out of a 18-year-marriage with nothing. I try to think what he does with his money is up to him, but we’re looking at our future and it could cause problems.’
sharon1110

 

According to Paula, no time is too soon: ‘Talk about money from a very early stage. Often, different attitudes to money reflect different attitudes to life. One of you may be a ‘live for today’ type, while the other is more cautious. The most obvious place you’ll see this is in your finances, but the difference in attitude can affect different aspects of the relationship.’

Shared decisions go a long way to making you both feel important in the relationship and can prevent money issues from causing anger and resentment. Treat money like any other problem – don’t bottle it up, get a conversation going and find a solution that suits you both.